Fortitude

I don’t really think of myself as someone with fortitude, showing courage in adversity, and yet…

Having so much time on my hands just now, I’m doing something I’ve been thinking about for ages, since long before we moved from London to Inverness at the end of last summer. I’m reading through my old diaries, life journals from the last 20 years. They were still stored neatly in the cardboard box I’ve kept them in forever, because when we were packing to move I couldn’t decide whether or not to keep them for posterity, so they simply came with me as they were.

And here I am, re-reading my thoughts and feelings from two decades ago going forwards, and looking back to the words my younger self wrote so long ago I’m truly surprised at how well I’ve coped with some really stressful situations in my life, considering the particular circumstances I was faced with. I’m always so quick to criticise my past actions, focusing so detrimentally on those things I got wrong, or could have done better. And yet…

I’ve survived. I’m still here. I still have my family. I have two full-to-bursting A4 lever arch files plus 18 individual A4 wire-bound lined notebooks stuffed with words that mattered enough to me at the time to write them down and keep them safe. Reflective words, rambling words, ranting words – happy words, sad words, good words, bad words. So I’m taking my time in looking back, letting the memories awaken, letting them sink in, and then letting them go again with thanks.

Yes I’ve definitely made mistakes, and have definitely made some bad calls over the years, but I’ve also coped far better with other difficult situations than I could ever have imagined. Even the really bad stuff. I’ve achieved a lot more than I remembered, succeeded in the stuff of life way more than I’ve failed. So perhaps I do have more fortitude than I’d thought, perhaps I’m far more resilient than I ever give myself credit for?

On 1st September 2000, I wrote about a quote I’d seen written somewhere a few days previously that had resonated deeply with me – ‘Life is a journey, travel it well’. And although in the intervening years I’d inevitably forgotten all about it, I find it’s an idea that still resonates with me today so have recreated it with the little magnetic letters my grandchildren like playing with whenever they come to visit.

It’s been such a long time since I saw them, and it no doubt will be a while yet before lockdown is lifted and we can all see each other again. So I suppose right now we are all displaying fortitude in truly difficult circumstances, all finding our own way through this pandemic as best we can. Hopefully in the future I can look back on this painful time and think, yes, overall I feel I’ve travelled my life well… πŸ™‚

Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Fortitude

6 thoughts on “Fortitude

  1. Good for you keeping them. I found journal i kept back in college and was mortified at how self focused and trivial i had been. Yes there were lots of poems and notes on activities, but also so much self analysis. And i destroyed the journal. That was over 20 years ago. And now i wish i had it back. So important to stay in touch with who we are.

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    1. To be honest I’m not sure I’ll keep these any longer once I’ve read them – I’ve been keeping a journal since my teens and at regular intervals (usually after a big life-changing event) I re-read them all and then burn them. For me it feels a bit like a ritual rite of passage between one life-stage and another – a physical moving on from the past into a new future πŸ™‚

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      1. Exactly!!! Mine went up in smoke when i sold my condo. A sacrificial final fire in my beloved self decorated fireplace. I had embedded beach glass all over the mantel… wanted to make sure it knew how special it was to me. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

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