No More ‘New Improved’

At what age should you stop fretting about what you are not, give up on your ideal identity that only ever exists in a delightful dream of the perfect self and accept the rubbing-your-nose-in-it reality of who you actually are, warts and all?

I mean, I’m fifty six years old. I have a husband, three adult children, six grandchildren. I achieved a First Class Honours Degree at forty, and after a lifetime of wondering what I might want to be when I grow up, the realisation has slowly dawned that I’m so beyond that building-towards-the-future stage of life it’s no longer even funny to joke about.

My whole adult life to date feels like it has been layer upon messy layer of unremarkable mediocrity, muddling along invisibly in the middle-ground somewhere, qualifying neither as a fully-fledged failure nor a sparkling success. A boring jack of all trades and master of none. Why oh why can’t I just be OK with that, what’s wrong with just being average?

Forgive me, I’m feeling decidedly old today. Past it. Yesterday’s news. Fat and frumpy and over the hill with a vengeance, well beyond my ‘best before’ date. It hurts like hell to admit, but it feels like it’s time to understand once and for all there is no more ‘new improved’ potential waiting on the horizon for me, that ship has long sailed… Sigh!

18 thoughts on “No More ‘New Improved’

  1. Sorry, but there’s always room to look deep into possibility. We never stop seeking, learning, yearning, even if only to help the youngsters see what possibilities lie in a different perspective.
    Age is a number, the mind is ever-expanding.

    However, I have to admit to my membership of the COFS brigade (cranky old fart syndrome), which gives me opportunities to show the youngers just how it’s done.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m only a few years younger than you, and I have days when I feel that way. What I’m finally figuring out is that “new and improved” is whatever I say it is, because it’s my life. I’ve started focusing on my goals for the last third of my life and what I need to do to achieve them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh man. We all have these days/weeks. That’s when you need Clarence, the angel in “It’s a Wonderful Life!” I bet if you saw how much you have impacted those around you, you’d be amazed. Most days, it’s the little things that matter . . .

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  4. I’ve been feeling the same. I’ve nothing to feel sad about but sadness is there. The uncertainty of the pandemic and the lockdown forces introspection but without the balance of some kind of certainty to work towards in the future. I think the way we are feeling is just part of the process. Someone wrote an article which started “what you are feeling is grief.” It was written to people in general but it summed things up for me and once I understood, started to focus on the possibilities enabled by what has happened. Closest to home is nature, it is thriving like never before – your flower posts are lovely. Your gift in how you see them.

    Liked by 1 person

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