Where Has She Gone?

I look in the mirror and see a fat, frumpy menopausal grandmother with a part time job in a local retail store. Someone very ordinary with greying hair and sagging, wrinkling skin and a lifetime of memories whirling around in her head… And I can’t help but wonder…

Where has she gone, that skinny little lithe-limbed, tom-boy tear-away with T-shirt tan and skinned knees?

Where is that troubled self-conscious teen with problem skin and burgeoning curves she has no idea what to do with?

Where is that fertile young mum doing her very best (but not always succeeding) to nurture her beautiful offspring, with stretch marks and constant baby-sick marks down her back and such tired, loving eyes?

Where is that struggling single parent juggling work and home and depression and difficult family times, a bit lost and lonely through what seems in retrospect to be the wilderness years?

Where is that scared, non-confident mature student, trying to find her fledgling academic feet nearly twenty years too late?

Where is that creative, artistic soul who so much loves making things… food, art, home, family, memories?

I look in the mirror and through my shining tears I suddenly see all the bare bones of her are still there, hidden under a surprisingly effective fat-suit layer of boring old lady disguise… Where has she gone? Nowhere… Because underneath it all I am she and she is me, still, always, and forever… ❤

Stream of Consciousness Saturday: Where


I’m feeling tired a lot just now. It’s been over eight months since I caught Covid, and although I’m definitely loads better now I’m still not quite beyond being caught up by the last lingering tendrils of Long Covid, holding me tight within its tenacious grasp, never quite completely letting go.

After having been made redundant earlier this year and basically taking the summer off to recuperate I’ve recently found myself a new job, a part time temporary role in a retail clothing store (covering maternity leave), and even though I’m not working overly long hours or too many days in a row I’m still feeling ridiculously tired at the extra energy expenditure. Not the yawning, not-had-enough-sleep, gritty-eyes tired or the done-loads-and-feel-good tired but the bone-weary, brain-dead, limbs-set-in-concrete, dragging-myself-around Covid tired.

I cope reasonably well with it while at work, doing my best to push through it all with a smile then come home and rest… and rest… and then rest some more. I’ll get there in the end, but right now it’s disappointing feeling so exhausted by a perfectly manageable little part time job… 🙂