Could Do Better…

I was due to attend a regular check-up appointment with my GP yesterday, to discuss the ongoing progress of my current depressive episode, and how I’m finding my medication this time around. Depression has been a recurring issue for me over my lifetime, so I’m used to these uncomfortable appointments and the kinds of difficult converations they require.

I told my GP I was feeling much better than last time we met, and he asked me how much better – if my first visit a couple of months ago had been scored at zero percent, and perfectly well again would be 100%, what percentage did I feel at right now? I thought about it, and answered quite honestly – about 50%. We had a frank chat about this and the upshot is my medication strength has been increased – apparently after this length of time on my current dose I would ideally be sitting at about 80-85%.

So I left with a new prescription and a seeping sinking feeling of failure, as if in spite of my best efforts I had just received a progress report saying ‘Could do better’… I went home and went straight to bed in tears, upset not to be improving more. But my husband hugged me close and reminded me that however disappointed I felt, what matters most is I’m voluntarily getting the help I need to get better again, whatever it takes.

And sure enough after yesterday’s misery the world looks a little brighter today. It may be a bitter pill for me to swallow but I took my required increase in medication without a fuss this morning and am just getting on quietly with getting myself better the best way I can… 🙂

Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Due

 

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At Arm’s Length

I’ve come to the difficult realisation recently that I tend to live life at arm’s length. Even the people I care for most tell me I can feel decidedly distant from them at times, disconnected and detached, and however uncomfortable it is for me to accept, sometimes I feel it in myself too and know they are right.

In holding on so tight, so carefully to the fragile core that feels essentially me, I inadvertently create protective barriers in my heart. These barriers may well prevent further hurt from entering, but to a certain extent they also act as a shield to deflect the full force of the love that is on offer from others, and stop me from fully returning it too.

I engage cautiously with life, but do not fully commit to immersing myself in it. I remain forever stranded on the shore, wading dejectedly in the shallows and the shadows, existing in the imagined safety of a kind of liminal space where I am neither out nor in, hedging my bets, sitting on the fence, and feeling dismally alone.

My aloneness hurts, but deep down it feels better than the risk of rejection. But I’ve had enough of paddling perpetually on the periphery, restricting myself to always appearing reserved and remote. I want to learn to trust in myself to trust others, to trust in life itself, and move forward to a new level of involvement where I can feel truly comfortable to give life and love my all, come what may…

Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Comfortable

World Cup and Wimbledon

I’ve not been blogging much this week. I’ve dipped in and out here and there and have read a few blog posts now and again, but have basically found myself with nothing to say. It’s not just my blogging, either – I mean I’ve gone to work, and gone grocery shopping or whatever as necessary, but everything else has been seriously curtailed.

I’m just not coping well with life at the moment, so am back on antidepressants for a while until things feel a little better. Sadly this has been a common enough recurring experience for me over the years, so I know the score and am used to sitting it out for the duration – it feels dire at the time but I know the misery doesn’t last forever.

So for now I find myself hiding away at home much of the time, comforting myself with watching the World Cup and Wimbledon on TV. It’s not that I’m a great sports fan, but it’s easy enough to follow the familiar routine of spectating specific matches, and it’s a good excuse to explain my lack of participation in anything else.

Hopefully my medication will help stabilise my mood sooner rather than later, but in the meantime I’ll do my best to stick around one way or another until I feel more on an even keel again. Sending lots of blog love to you all, see you around… 🙂

Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Curtail 

 

Estranged from the world

When depression creeps up on me, I start to feel estranged from the world, alienated and absent. I find myself watching people from afar, disconnected and distanced, as if I just don’t belong any more. It’s like I’m here in body but not in spirit, and although to begin with I feel the anguish of deep dissociation and fight it with dismay, after a while I give in to the overwhelming inevitability of it all, let the stagnant darkness seep in silently to my soul, knowing that once it reaches saturation point I’ll simply feel emotionally numb…

Fandango’s One Word Challenge: Estranged