Being awake a lot in the night – or at least so very early in the morning – is never a good sign for me. It means myriad different things at different times, but for now menopausal hot flushes and simply having too much on my mind are the most predominant reasons for my current persistent sleeplessness.
Today I woke long before 5am, and tried for an hour or so to get back to sleep but right now my brain is ablaze with bright flames of thought burning away at my futile attempts at restfulness. So here I am wrapped in a blanket in the living room, drinking a cup of tea and blogging, writing down all these incandescent thoughts that are consuming me so much this morning.
There is so much to do here, so much we want to change to make this house our own that it feels overwhelming at times. Where do we start? Which room, which task, in what order? Reason tells me of course it’s going to take time to get to all done, there’s no magic wand to wave to suddenly paint woodwork, paper walls, lay new carpets, replace a fireplace, put in a new kitchen.
I do understand the logic of taking our time with this, only doing everything once and doing it properly so making do with everything as it is for now, but oh how I hate living in limbo in the interim… Emotionally I want the entire basic blocked-in canvas of a comfortable home to relax in first and foremost, and only then think about adding in the details as necessary, much later in the process.
Right now it feels like we’re trying to achieve too much all at once, fulfil too many important tasks all at the same time and failing to make any real headway, and I find it frustrating to be planning so much in theory for our future home yet making what feels like so little practical progress in our present environment to move us towards that ultimate goal.
In reality we are getting things done in the house, of course, slowly but surely, but inevitably my chattering childish impatience distorts my perspective. ‘Are we there yet, are we there yet, why aren’t we there yet?’ my impish brain whines and implores. These are the kind of restless thoughts that keep me awake, taunting and haunting me in the dark.
I know I need to sit tight and wait, know that when we’re finally finished it all I’ll be so glad I didn’t rush right in wielding my paintbrush with gay abandon just to cover temporarily wallpaper we’re taking down eventually anyway. I know I need to focus on where we’re going with decorating our house, not on where we are right now. But still I’m fretting at the enormity of it all, my clamouring five o’clock shadows refusing to give me any peace…